Without change there would be no butterflies.

So far this BAD pump is helping my nausea, although it comes at the cost of being sedated 24 hours a day. I have not spent a morning yet in the bathroom.  I have also eaten every meal and have a major craving for ice cream. So, I'm blowing through the Drumsticks that we have in the freezer and I'm not feeling guilty at all about it.
There are several things that have changed that I hadn't expected. Some are physical things and some are mental. For starters, water does not taste like water. It's more like drinking slime out of a glass. With this chemo I have had more problems finding something I can drink. I have tried Gatorade (too salty), apple juice (too sweet), lemonade (too tangy), and flavored water with lemon, lime and cucumbers (blah). I know I am dehydrated and I'm trying my hardest to get in enough fluids but I am failing. Big time failing.
Holding my girls does not feel like it did before.  I used to be able to feel their warmth against my chest and now my chest is numb. It feels like there is something foreign wedged in between my babies and I where my breasts were and my foobs (fake boobs) are now. The sad part is that this is probably never going to go away.
My hair hasn't all fallen out but it isn't growing either.  I shaved my head several weeks ago and it's still that short. I haven't shaved my armpits for weeks (which has been really nice). I guess I would consider this change to be more of a "perk".  It's nice not having to shave but it would be nice to have hair.  I keep seeing people with long pretty hair and it almost makes me cry sometimes. I have long pretty hair when I want to wear my wig but it's not the same.
All of the "moments" I have with my girls are more special.  I think anytime someone struggles with infertility issues has a new level of appreciation for the children that they are blessed with. I have felt blessed from the beginning to have these beautiful girls and I think I appreciate everything that we go through more than someone that hasn't had these struggles. When you throw cancer into this mix, every moment becomes special. Every smile, every laugh, every tear is special and has meaning.
I have always been a music lover. I like to sing and dance around the house when it's just me and my little girlies. I usually can sing most of the words but couldn't tell you what the song was actually about. I have noticed lately that when the radio plays I seem to find meaning in most songs. I actually hear what is being sung and understand the meaning whereas before I didn't really care.
I see the good in people now.  Before cancer I was very distrusting of people and it was hard to see the good in some people. Now I think I see the good a lot of times before I see the bad. I feel like I have been softened somehow.
Throughout my cancer journey I have tried to see the positive. There are a lot of obvious negatives but the positives are harder to see sometimes. I feel like I am becoming a much stronger person, I'm happier, I'm more positive, and I think I'm kicking the crap out of this little bitch named "cancer." I know that everything happens for a reason, and although I'm really pissed sometimes that this happened to me, in a way I am also thankful.  After all "without change there would be no butterflies."