One of the girls I have known since middle school, Hannah, came over tonight for a Mary Kay party. She had asked if she could come pamper me and I agreed. Who doesn't need pampering? I invited one of my best friends Suzy over and we had a good time talking and getting our makeup done.
After Hannah left Suzy and I talked about her new job, her old job (with me), and our kids. I don't talk to people about the fears going on inside of my head because to even think about them makes me cry. For whatever reason I felt like I needed to tell her what I was thinking and I'm glad I did. It felt good to get those thoughts out.
I have known since I was little that I would get breast cancer at a young age. Maybe it was just because my mom had breast cancer young and I thought I would follow in her footsteps or maybe it was something else. I knew when I had my BRCA testing that I would have the gene mutation. I knew when I had my breast MRI in February that something was on the left side. I have feelings sometimes that I cant explain. Premonitions.
One of the feelings I have had for several years is that I am going to die at a young age from breast cancer. I know that my cancer was caught early and that I will be fine. I also know that I have a high risk of it coming back, in which case I might not be fine. What if this feeling is not just a feeling? What if it really happens? I have a huge fear that I will die from this and will not get to see my kids grow up.
I remember when I graduated from high school my mom was very tearful. I thought she was just being emotional but she told me that when my sister and I were little and she was going through chemo she had asked God to let her live long enough to see us graduate. That day came and went and she is still alive and healthy. I never understood why she was so emotional until now.
I don't believe in a God. Who do I ask to let me live? I want to see their first day of Kindergarten, their first school program, their first soccer game. I want to see high school graduation, college graduation, their wedding days, the births of their children, and then all of the above events for my grandchildren. What if all I get is a few years? I'm loving every smile, every laugh, every new development. I just cant imagine not being around for many many many years to come. I put on my big girl panties when Im in public. But inside my head are all of the "what ifs". I don't know how to turn them off.
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