Today I am having surgery. I get to have these rock hard tissue expanders taken out and replaced with soft, more natural feeling breast implants. That part is pretty exciting. I might wake up feeling like a real woman, and not someone that currently has huge cantaloupes strapped to her chest. On a less exciting note, I am having a total hysterectomy. Say goodbye to my uterus, ovaries, fallopian tubes, and any chance at ever carrying another baby. Even typing this I cannot see through the tears. My heart hurts and I am very angry. Angry that breast cancer has robbed me of the ability to chose when I am done having children. If it were up to me I would have a soccer team, or a small army. I have two beautiful girls and love every minute I have with them. I can't wait until they get older and we can go shopping, read books together, and dance around the house singing songs. If it were my choice, Emma and Bella would have a little brother, Rex. Or a little sister, Annabelle. Or maybe twins again. Yes, I may be crazy but I would do it again in a heartbeat.
Unlike other women in my position, I have 2 frozen embryos. I haven't figured out yet if this is a good thing or a bad thing. If they did not exist I think I would be able to move on with my life, but would also have no way of ever conceiving again. Currently I am stuck in a rut. I want nothing more than these 2 embryos to have names. Rex and Annabelle. Rex would be tall, dark, and handsome like his daddy and Annabelle would be a mix of Emma and Bella. Short, spunky, ornery. The only way for these embryos to ever have actual names is to find someone willing to be a surrogate for us. I currently have a patient that is using a surrogate because she is unable to get pregnant for medical reasons. She is using a close friend and says that this will cost her around $30,000. To go through an agency and use an unknown surrogate costs around $80,000. Unless we win the lottery both of these options seem like impossibilities. What is the appropriate way to approach someone about using their uterus? "Hi, how are you? Can I borrow your uterus for the next 9 months or so?" "Wow, you look great! Would you mind if I wreck your body with my embryos?" "You look like you carry children well. Want to carry mine?" None of these sound quite right.
Who would be willing to carry my children? Who would I want to carry my children? This is a big deal. This is like the most important job interview of all time. Name, age, do you drink? smoke? Would you love my babies and take care of them the way I would?? This is a lot of trust to put in one person. I don't know if I am capable. There are only a few people in this world that I think I could trust with this, and I have no idea how to begin the conversation. Currently accepting advice, and someone willing to carry my babies!!
