Bye Bye Boobies

Today is the big day. Im trading in my 34Ds for a chance at being cancer free. I guess it's worth it! I think my entire family, friends and coworkers are handling this much worse than me. I have had my moments but feel pretty calm and relaxed going into surgery. My husband may disagree.  I have not really ever been nervous for surgery.  It seems pretty standard. You have surgery, you are sore, you get less sore, you feel better.  Only in this instance all of the "you's" are now "me's".  I have seen Dr. Cusick for several years now in the hopes that I would have my family, and then a prophyllactic mastectomy and then never have to get cancer. I had already met with a plastic surgeon even to discuss options. I met with Dr. Cusick after my husband and I struggled for only 6 months to get pregnant. I was in a panic that I would get breast cancer before I could have kids and then wouldnt be able to have kids at all. She told me that I had plenty of time and not to worry. (We laughed about that and how wrong she was in my appt a few weeks ago.) Her nurse practitioner stayed in the room longer and told me it would be reasonable to start exploring why we werent getting pregnant.  I am so glad that we did that or I would be going into surgery without children and pregnancy would no longer be a safe option.
I kissed my kids goodbye and gave my mom a hug.  I made her watch the girls during surgery because I knew she would be a nervous wreck and it would keep her occupied.  I took off for the surgery center with my loving husband. My dad drove all the way from Pueblo, Colorado the day after a major snowstorm to sit in the waiting room for hours.  I walked in sporting my brand new hot pink shoes, my workout pants, and my hot pink shirt that reads "Nobody cares if you finish first. Walk with courage. Run fearlessly. Finish with strength."  It seemed appropriate today.
So far as a cancer patient I have learned many things.  I enjoy every day that I am given and I soak up every moment of time with my family. I also now understand what my patients are going through and can relate to them much better. I hope this makes me a wonderful nurse.  I also have learned that I do not want to be defined by cancer. I will not sit around and complain about the cards I was dealt. This journey is going to make me a better person and I am going to absorb every bit of wisdom that I can. I hope I can inspire my patients and show them that they too can do this! I allow myself only minimal of time to "dwell." I dont want to end up like a certain family member that only focuses on the negative and makes any situation about her. I want to hold my head high and proud.  I am PROUD to be a cancer survivor.  I am COURAGEOUS, I am STRONG, and I am crying while I type this. Damn.
Surgery went well and the Dilaudid PCA was even better.  These drains are going to be a huge pain in my ass. There are 2 on each side and they are not comfortable at all.  My entire chest is numb so the incisions across each breast are painless...for now. We shall see what tomorrow brings! Goodnight!

This is my best friend since high school. April is the most amazing friend a girl could have. She sent me this picture the night before my surgery to show her support. I love her so much!

 

I had to have my sentinal node injected with dye prior to checking in a the surgery center.

Waiting for surgery!!

 

Tamoxifen...we need to break up.

This weekend was terrible and fantastic all at the same time. I got to go to a KU game (I havent been to one since highschool) and I quit taking Tamoxifen. We were given 4 tickets to a game from Dr. Truong. I am his nurse, and now his patient and this was a much needed break from reality.  We decided to take Gary's cousin and her husband because we love spending time with them and thought that they would really enjoy it. Nicole is pregnant and has the wonderful nausea related to her pregnancy. I am taking Tamoxifen and havent eaten a good meal in over a week. My weight is down about 10 lbs which I am kind of happy about but the misery that comes with that I could do without.  Besides the nausea I am having joint and muscle aches, hot flashes, and terrible anxiety (some of which may just be from the diagnosis but I doubt it.)  I feel so bad that I did not take the Tamoxifen yesterday or today and have no plans to restart it. The game was amazing but by the end of it I hurt so bad from sitting on the hard bleachers, not to mention the several hour drive home. Thats it. Tamoxifen, you mess with my Jayhawks, you mess with me.  We are done. I want to break up!!
I checked with Dr. Truong today and he said that I will have to take Tamoxifen for 5 years after my chemo. So I guess this is more of a "trial separation." I will try it again but I bet we break up for good. 
On a side note-one of the side effects that were listed as "call Dr. IMMEDIATELY if you have any of these..." was a decrease in sexual desire or ability.  You mean to tell me that if I have to pee in the middle of the night and all of a sudden dont want to have sex I should call my Dr??  No thank you.  I ran this by Dr. Truong to see the look on his face.  I said "Is this seriously an emergency? Are you kidding me?"  His response was "It may not be to you, but it may be to your husband." We got a good laugh out of it and then I came up with a compromise.  If I end up with this side effect, I will sprinkle this in my husband's food also so that he will have it too! Then there will be no emergencies!!  Problem solved.

Babies and flowers

This has been one busy week! I saw the breast surgeon and had my hip MRI on Monday. The results were normal. I saw the plastic surgeon on Tuesday.  Surgery isnt until the 28th. What will I do until then? Obsess. Thats what I will do.  I have perfected the self breast exam, doing it about every hour since last week.  And yep, this mass is growing!
My tumor responds to estrogen so Dr. Truong put me on a medication last week called Tamoxifen that blocks the estrogen so the tumor wont grow. It is more to ease my mind than anything. However Tamoxifen comes with its own bag of fun. And I was given specific instruction. "Dont call me in the middle of the night when you are having hot flashes. Call Vonnie (the nurse I work with.)"
I cant wait to see what fun Tamoxifen brings!!
Today is Valentine's Day. My husband brought my babies, and a dozen roses, up to my work for a visit.  It was a much needed break from the chaos inside my head.  Their cute little faces have a way of making everything all better. They also remind me that we had plans to get pregnant again this summer. Those plans are indefinately on hold. We had to do IVF last year in order to have these girls and we have 2 embryos frozen. I sometimes feel like a rabbit with a carrot dangling on a string in front of me.  If we were like any normal couple and did things the normal way, this decision would be so much easier. We would just be happy with what we have and move on.  Going through the struggles of trying to get pregnant I think I appreciate what I have been given more than some.  But it is just too hard to give up on our 2 "could be babies". I know my reality.  My tumor responds to hormones. Pregnancy makes your hormones go crazy.  Basically if there are any tumor cells left floating around they will get to eat at an all you can eat buffet of hormones for 9 months while I would be pregnant. So that option is out. Our other options are surrogacy and adoption (which doesnt fix our 2 embryos problem.)  We will revisit this topic in a year or so. Im not really ready to think about it.  But I cant stop thinking about it...if that makes sense.  What if Emma and Bella never get to meet their siblings? Will they be enough for each other? I hope so.  I feel like I have failed in the maternity department. This uterus is useless to me now. All I wanted was to be pregnant 1 more time...and I failed.

Me time

My bone scan on Thursday went well, although I have to have an MRI of my hip on Monday to look at a questionable spot.  Im not having any pain there but I have been running a lot lately. I had registered to run my first 5K the day before my MRI. That wont be happening now. Oh well, there are many more 5K's to run in!
Today my wonderful sister in law is doing my hair.  I have one sister who is mentally handicapped and she is such a blessing in so many ways, but I have never had a normal sister relationship and am always jealous of people that have that.  Luckily my husband's entire family is perfect! I get the sister I never had, along with some of the best parents a person could ask for and adorable grandparents. Im a lucky girl.
Today we are cutting my hair short! It is already short but we are going shorter. Not quite to a pixie cut but almost. My hair is going to all fall out once I get chemo so I might as well experiment now. And....its perfect!! I love it!!  I have always wondered what I would look like with a pixie cut so we decided we are going to try it right before my hair falls out. That way if I hate it, it will fall out anyways. The perks of being related to a hair stylist.
Next up, retail therapy at my favorite getaway spot. Target.  I can go in Target for 1 thing and walk out with an entire cart full of stuff. Just dont tell my husband! 

My cute new do!!  I made a post on Facebook today about cutting my hair all off! I need to be more specific next time. I immediately got a call from my mother that my poor sister was in a panic that I went crazy and shaved my head. Not yet, Jenny. Maybe next week!

Damn

Today is the day I get my results back. Needless to say I did not sleep last night and have been too nervous to eat (not bad for a diet plan). I went to work like any other day and watched the clock all morning. As the clock got closer and closer to 1:00 I got more and more nervous.  I knew what the results were going to be.
At 12:45 there was a page overhead for Dr. Truong to pick up a call from Cypress (the place I had my biopsy). He was in an exam room with a new patient and it seemed like the longest appointment ever!  As I was waiting for him to finish I was trying to keep busy.  I walked over to take the incoming faxes off of the fax machine and distribute them.  There was only 1 fax. My MRI results.
Invasive ductal carcinoma, poorly differentiated, Grade 3.  SHIT SHIT SHIT.
When Dr. Truong came out of the room with the new patient he told me what I had already learned and immediately ordered scans.  When I say "immediately" I mean that I was on the CT table an hour later. The nurse I work with was putting in some orders, one scheduler was printing the orders and scheduling the scans, and the other scheduler was shouting out the diagnosis codes needed for insurance to pay for them.  Talk about team work.  Off I go to my CTs.
When I say I had a meltdown yesterday, today is much worse.  And midway through sobs I hear "Im going to love you through it." If you havent heard the song, you need to.  I dont believe that there is a God that is "in charge" of everything but I do believe that things happen for a reason. This song played when it did because that is when I needed it to play. I also believe that people come into your lives at certain times to teach certain lessons or offer support for a reason. Here's my proof in that.  One week ago I had to call one of our favorite patients to tell her that her breast cancer had returned.  I wanted to make someone else do it or crawl in a hole and pretend this wasnt happening but I sucked it up and called her. I think I could hear her heart break a little. I felt terrible all day and when I went home I checked facebook.  Someone had posted a comment about how today was terrible and cancer sucked. I only saw it because one of my friends had "liked" the comment. It was posted by my patient's sister.  I was feeling like I should "friend request" the patient and really wanted to tell her how sorry I was but I wasnt sure if it was appropriate to befriend a patient.  I did it anyways.  We ended up having a wonderful conversation that night that made me feel like I really can make a difference and also remembered that I learn more from my patients than they could ever learn from me. Today I am going to need her as a support person.  I look up to her and hope I am as graceful and courageous as she is.
The scans were easy physically but draining mentally. As an oncology nurse I know the possibilities and know what my outlook is for all of these options.  What if I already have metastasis everywhere? Am I going to die? Again, what if I dont get to see my kids grow up? What if we want more kids? What will life be like with no mother??  I immediately wanted to go home and leave videos and birthday cards for them for every year for the rest of their lives. But I told myself not to rush. Slow down. Deep breath. You will be fine, you are in good hands.
I have a bone scan in the morning.  This is my biggest fear. Bone mets=incurable cancer.

The beginning

Today is just like any other day. I woke up, fed my kids, ate breakfast, had my coffee, but then instead of going to work I went for my yearly breast MRI. I am a 31 year old energetic mom of twin girls and have the BRCA 1 mutation, which means I have a really high risk of getting breast cancer. My mother had it, my grandmother had it. Blah blah blah. I have mammograms yearly and MRIs yearly so that they alternate every 6 months. I have been doing this every year since I was 26.  So why does today feel different?
On my way to the scan I was listening to my ipod. I told myself that if the song "Im Going to Love You Through It" by Martina McBride came on, the results would be bad. But if not, I was good.  The song never came on.  The scan was easy, as always.  I went back to work, finally ready to start my day.  I had a feeling driving to work that there was going to be something abnormal in my left breast.  Whether it be a cyst or cancer, something was there. I could not feel it, there was no pain.  I just knew.  I have never had anything abnormal show up on that side so I kept telling myself that this thought was stupid...until I got the call a few hours later from my OB/GYN that there was something on the left side and I needed a biopsy.  SHIT! 
Now, I am oncology nurse and have known about my cancer risk for years.  I have prepared myself for losing my breasts and my hair.  My husband offered me his nipples on our third date. No thanks, but I WILL marry you someday. Knowing what I know has not made today any easier.  Here's where the perks of being an oncology nurse come in...
I got off the phone with my OB/GYN and immediately had our medical records people get the copy of my MRI.  I then took it to the doctor I work for.  He looked at the report and his jaw dropped and he says "Who's the patient?"  I said "Me." He then said a few curse words and wanted to know when my biopsy was scheduled.  I was waiting on the other Dr. to call the surgeon and call me back with a time.  We would soon find out that she was out of the country for the next week. They made me an appt for her first day back in the office.  Dr. Truong was not pleased with that and called the place I had the MRI and pulled some strings to get a biopsy done today.  My drive there was sort of a meltdown.  I am not ready to have cancer.  Did I mention my twins are only 8 months old?? What if I die before they really know me and dont have any memories of me? What if Im not around to see their first day of Kindergarten, their high school Prom, their graduation, their weddings?
OK, snap out of it.  The biopsy went well. No lifting my babies for 2 days, which will be terrible, but hopefully everything went well.  The results will be back at 1:00 tomorrow. 
Talk to you tomorrow!!