Babies and flowers

This has been one busy week! I saw the breast surgeon and had my hip MRI on Monday. The results were normal. I saw the plastic surgeon on Tuesday.  Surgery isnt until the 28th. What will I do until then? Obsess. Thats what I will do.  I have perfected the self breast exam, doing it about every hour since last week.  And yep, this mass is growing!
My tumor responds to estrogen so Dr. Truong put me on a medication last week called Tamoxifen that blocks the estrogen so the tumor wont grow. It is more to ease my mind than anything. However Tamoxifen comes with its own bag of fun. And I was given specific instruction. "Dont call me in the middle of the night when you are having hot flashes. Call Vonnie (the nurse I work with.)"
I cant wait to see what fun Tamoxifen brings!!
Today is Valentine's Day. My husband brought my babies, and a dozen roses, up to my work for a visit.  It was a much needed break from the chaos inside my head.  Their cute little faces have a way of making everything all better. They also remind me that we had plans to get pregnant again this summer. Those plans are indefinately on hold. We had to do IVF last year in order to have these girls and we have 2 embryos frozen. I sometimes feel like a rabbit with a carrot dangling on a string in front of me.  If we were like any normal couple and did things the normal way, this decision would be so much easier. We would just be happy with what we have and move on.  Going through the struggles of trying to get pregnant I think I appreciate what I have been given more than some.  But it is just too hard to give up on our 2 "could be babies". I know my reality.  My tumor responds to hormones. Pregnancy makes your hormones go crazy.  Basically if there are any tumor cells left floating around they will get to eat at an all you can eat buffet of hormones for 9 months while I would be pregnant. So that option is out. Our other options are surrogacy and adoption (which doesnt fix our 2 embryos problem.)  We will revisit this topic in a year or so. Im not really ready to think about it.  But I cant stop thinking about it...if that makes sense.  What if Emma and Bella never get to meet their siblings? Will they be enough for each other? I hope so.  I feel like I have failed in the maternity department. This uterus is useless to me now. All I wanted was to be pregnant 1 more time...and I failed.