Damn

Today is the day I get my results back. Needless to say I did not sleep last night and have been too nervous to eat (not bad for a diet plan). I went to work like any other day and watched the clock all morning. As the clock got closer and closer to 1:00 I got more and more nervous.  I knew what the results were going to be.
At 12:45 there was a page overhead for Dr. Truong to pick up a call from Cypress (the place I had my biopsy). He was in an exam room with a new patient and it seemed like the longest appointment ever!  As I was waiting for him to finish I was trying to keep busy.  I walked over to take the incoming faxes off of the fax machine and distribute them.  There was only 1 fax. My MRI results.
Invasive ductal carcinoma, poorly differentiated, Grade 3.  SHIT SHIT SHIT.
When Dr. Truong came out of the room with the new patient he told me what I had already learned and immediately ordered scans.  When I say "immediately" I mean that I was on the CT table an hour later. The nurse I work with was putting in some orders, one scheduler was printing the orders and scheduling the scans, and the other scheduler was shouting out the diagnosis codes needed for insurance to pay for them.  Talk about team work.  Off I go to my CTs.
When I say I had a meltdown yesterday, today is much worse.  And midway through sobs I hear "Im going to love you through it." If you havent heard the song, you need to.  I dont believe that there is a God that is "in charge" of everything but I do believe that things happen for a reason. This song played when it did because that is when I needed it to play. I also believe that people come into your lives at certain times to teach certain lessons or offer support for a reason. Here's my proof in that.  One week ago I had to call one of our favorite patients to tell her that her breast cancer had returned.  I wanted to make someone else do it or crawl in a hole and pretend this wasnt happening but I sucked it up and called her. I think I could hear her heart break a little. I felt terrible all day and when I went home I checked facebook.  Someone had posted a comment about how today was terrible and cancer sucked. I only saw it because one of my friends had "liked" the comment. It was posted by my patient's sister.  I was feeling like I should "friend request" the patient and really wanted to tell her how sorry I was but I wasnt sure if it was appropriate to befriend a patient.  I did it anyways.  We ended up having a wonderful conversation that night that made me feel like I really can make a difference and also remembered that I learn more from my patients than they could ever learn from me. Today I am going to need her as a support person.  I look up to her and hope I am as graceful and courageous as she is.
The scans were easy physically but draining mentally. As an oncology nurse I know the possibilities and know what my outlook is for all of these options.  What if I already have metastasis everywhere? Am I going to die? Again, what if I dont get to see my kids grow up? What if we want more kids? What will life be like with no mother??  I immediately wanted to go home and leave videos and birthday cards for them for every year for the rest of their lives. But I told myself not to rush. Slow down. Deep breath. You will be fine, you are in good hands.
I have a bone scan in the morning.  This is my biggest fear. Bone mets=incurable cancer.