Today I am having surgery. I get to have these rock hard tissue expanders taken out and replaced with soft, more natural feeling breast implants. That part is pretty exciting. I might wake up feeling like a real woman, and not someone that currently has huge cantaloupes strapped to her chest. On a less exciting note, I am having a total hysterectomy. Say goodbye to my uterus, ovaries, fallopian tubes, and any chance at ever carrying another baby. Even typing this I cannot see through the tears. My heart hurts and I am very angry. Angry that breast cancer has robbed me of the ability to chose when I am done having children. If it were up to me I would have a soccer team, or a small army. I have two beautiful girls and love every minute I have with them. I can't wait until they get older and we can go shopping, read books together, and dance around the house singing songs. If it were my choice, Emma and Bella would have a little brother, Rex. Or a little sister, Annabelle. Or maybe twins again. Yes, I may be crazy but I would do it again in a heartbeat.
Unlike other women in my position, I have 2 frozen embryos. I haven't figured out yet if this is a good thing or a bad thing. If they did not exist I think I would be able to move on with my life, but would also have no way of ever conceiving again. Currently I am stuck in a rut. I want nothing more than these 2 embryos to have names. Rex and Annabelle. Rex would be tall, dark, and handsome like his daddy and Annabelle would be a mix of Emma and Bella. Short, spunky, ornery. The only way for these embryos to ever have actual names is to find someone willing to be a surrogate for us. I currently have a patient that is using a surrogate because she is unable to get pregnant for medical reasons. She is using a close friend and says that this will cost her around $30,000. To go through an agency and use an unknown surrogate costs around $80,000. Unless we win the lottery both of these options seem like impossibilities. What is the appropriate way to approach someone about using their uterus? "Hi, how are you? Can I borrow your uterus for the next 9 months or so?" "Wow, you look great! Would you mind if I wreck your body with my embryos?" "You look like you carry children well. Want to carry mine?" None of these sound quite right.
Who would be willing to carry my children? Who would I want to carry my children? This is a big deal. This is like the most important job interview of all time. Name, age, do you drink? smoke? Would you love my babies and take care of them the way I would?? This is a lot of trust to put in one person. I don't know if I am capable. There are only a few people in this world that I think I could trust with this, and I have no idea how to begin the conversation. Currently accepting advice, and someone willing to carry my babies!!
Sara, I don't even know where to begin; on some very small fraction of a level - I have a very slight idea of what you are going through. I have never had cancer, I've never had my body go through the hell and back that you have but we do have fertility issues. Oliver is a Clomid baby, we are hoping to get pregnant again but it looks like my body still hasn't quite figured out that it is female. I know the frustration of wanting your body to do something that it seems all women (especially those who have no business being parents) are genetically programmed to do. In a random conversation I asked Marcus a few months back what he would think of me being a surrogate (theoretically if my sister or best friend couldn't carry a child) and surprisingly we were in agreement that if the situation were right, (health, finances - especially considering I doubt insurance would be on board, trust and age of our children) then we would be open to discussing that possibility. If I am willing to, I know others are. I know I'm calling the kettle black here as I am very impatient with these kinds of things but hang in there, You guys will find the perfect person to carry your babies. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteHi Sara. I don't know you personally but I also was diagnosed with BC in Nov 07. Triple negative and 3 nodes positive. Never so scared in my whole life. I was 42 and already have 6 healthy grown children but I still went thru the I can never have a baby again thing, even though I really didn't want anymore. I'm so sorry that life decided to throw this curve ball at you and your family. I am sure you will find that special person to carry your babies for you, I know that if I could do that for you I would feel very honored to do it. I just wanted to say this also, Amy was my nurse when I was going thru treatment and without her and every one at the Cancer Center of KS (especially Dr Johnson) I don't know that I would of made it to the other side without a straight jacket.
ReplyDeleteI wish you the very best in making your dreams come true....Rex and Annabelle will be lucky to have such a strong mommy.
Teresa